I got this

This week for the first time, I feel like I finally have my feet under me in regards to being a mom. I can get peed on, pooped on, vomited on and not blink an eye. I can survive now on very little sleep. I am amazed at all the things I can do one-handed. Full blown screaming fits that include breath-holding and turning his face dark red don't even raise my heartbeat anymore. I can tell his different cries and what he wants. I know his favorite pacifier and when he is getting tired of doing something.

This is by far the hardest job I have ever had. Figuring out how to take care of a newborn, my husband, and myself all at once has been challenging. There have been and will be days when I can't figure out why God has trusted me with these amazing responsibilities. What he saw in me that thought "she can do this and do it right." I've always had trouble making decisions and now I have to make decisions that impact an innocent child's life. His LIFE. Thinking about that can be overwhelming if I let it.

I don't do a good job at it some days. I get frustrated with jack when he cries RIGHT when I start to do something. I silently and sometimes not so silently wonder why Neil can't see that something needs to be done or that I need help. Thankfully, those days are coming at me less and less. But it's hard...and fantastic all at the same time.

It's strange to think back before Jack was here. What did I do with myself? I feel empty and lazy if he's not around. You mean I can just sit and do nothing?? My mother-in-law kept him for us for a few hours one afternoon and I didn't know what to do with myself. I swear I kept hearing a baby whimper or cry. I would stop what I was doing to listen for it. Jack is so ingrained in everything I do now that I'm listening for him even when I know he's not there.

I can't even fathom him not being around. Him leaving for college is going to break me in two if going without him for a couple of hours was difficult. And let's not even think about me going back to work in 4 weeks...

I never thought I would be the mom who wants to smother her child by being with them 24/7 but I totally am. I need to work on that before he hates me and needs therapy for a co-dependent mother. :)

This is the time of my life!


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