I need prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. For my peace of mind, my jealousy, my mental tiredness, and my weary weary soul. I am soooooo tired of fertility or in my case lack thereof. Every time I turn around, someone else is pregnant while I'm left counting the days since my last cycle, counting the days I've been taking my progesterone pills and slowly but surely losing my mind and my hope.
Don't get me wrong. I know I have many, many blessings. Too many to count and too many for one person. I'm tired of knowing that Neil is disappointed each day that passes because we're still stuck in limbo and nothing is happening. He wants to be a dad more than anything and I feel like a complete and utter failure as a wife. I'm tired of taking care of the emotional and behavior issues of children and not being able to do so for my own children. I'm tired of hearing of people who "accidentally" get pregnant or parents who have their kids taken away for abusing and neglecting them. I've tried to be strong and faithful because what else can I do when it's not up to me. I'm tired of being secretly sad and devastated on the inside and putting on a good face to the world. I want God to hear my prayers and make them come true.
My faith and hope are diminishing. I feel at times that God has forsaken me even though I know better than that. I hate that I have to put my hope in acupuncture, pills, and medical technology and that maybe this time it will work. I know that everyone goes though things in their life that they didn't think they would be faced with. I know I'm not alone and I have lots of prayers for me every day. But you know what? I wish I didn't have to have all those prayers. I wish that I could just move on from this quicksand of infertility because I'm starting to lose my fight. I'm jealous of anyone and everyone who has a child or is pregnant. My heart just feels like it can't take it anymore. I just want to curl up in bed and wait until it's time to see Dr. B and then get back in bed until it's time for the next step.
Could you please pray for me? I need you now friends more than ever. Thank you.
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4 comments:
Lauren...I've been reading your blog for a few months now. I'm just as heartbroken of the frustration with fertility too. My husband and I are not to the stage you are at but I constantly fear the worse. It's hard...it's disappointing...and it's frightening. I'm just as jealous as those who have babies, are pregnant, or tell me it will happen in God's timing.
I'm praying for you and your husband.
And pity party's are okay to have. It's normal...I have one about once a week over our situation!
~Barbara
I have been right where you are. I am so sorry! It is great that you are writing about how you feel.....even the sad feelings. It will be nice to be able to go back one day and see how far you have come and how much you have grown. My husband and I are in our 5th year of TTC. I wouldn't say it gets easier, but it is different now. I don't have as many of the "no good very bad days" as I used to. I hope things get better very fast, and I am praying for you!
So sorry girl. I'm praying for you. I have been in your shoes and there are dark times that come along. I am proof though that you don't give up. I have complete faith in the clinic and I know you will be successful too. We finally got to a point where yes we were sad after a failed cycle but we had such determination that we were going to be parents, we didn't give up. If you haven't started your cycle yet, you may call the office and ask why. I know everyone is different but the Progesterone would delay my periods when I was on it. I know it is difficult but try to stay positive, you will be a mother one day and what a blessing it will be!!
I love you friend.
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