No such luck

Today is the day that Dr. B wanted me to take a pregnancy test. I cheated and took one yesterday too. Both were negative. I immediately hopped in the shower and had my daily morning conversation with God. He answered my prayer for strength today because in the moment before, all I wanted to do was give up. I was sick of taking medication that makes me feel awful. I was sick of gaining weight and being bloated and not having a reason to show for it. I was sick of going to the doctor. I was sick of feeling disappointed each month. I was sick of spending my hard earned money on something that was not working.

But then I talked to my God. And he made me feel much better. And I wasn't sick and tired of being sick and tired anymore. Yes, I'm still a little sad and disappointed. But it wasn't overwhelming anymore because I gave all that over to Him. He's got a plan for me and although it REALLY doesn't match up with mine, there is nothing a can do about it. Not. A. Thing. This is something I have really had to comes to term with. I'm a planned. I don't do well with "spur of the moment." I'm OCD and uptight. So this whole "sit around and wait" is more than a little difficult for me. I'm not patient. But I AM getting better.

My mom was so sweet to me today. I talked to her this morning about my fears of having to do In Vitro and having multiples and paying thousands of dollars for the procedure. And you know what she told me? That my family is willing to do whatever it takes to help me and that she would even quit her job if she needed to. Or I could move into the top floor of her house. And she told me how much our little baby would be loved and how special he/she would be because of our struggle. She also suggested starting a journal for our baby about our journey to have him/her.

I'm crying for this first time today just thinking about all the love and support Neil and I have had through this. I've gotten many calls, facebook messages, texts, and emails from all of you who love us and are praying for us. Even though some of you are going through your own struggles right now, you have stopped and thought about us or prayed for us. That means the world to me. More than you will ever know. Who are we that you would do that?

And to top it all off, my brother and I had a very special conversation about our dad today. We don't talk about him very much since he passed away. It's a difficult subject for both us of and we are protective of each other so we've shied away from this topic so the other wouldn't hurt. But today of all days, we had a very brief, but touching conversation about our dear ol' pops. I miss him even more on days like this.

I've got to stop typing before I have a massive breakdown and scare Neil again. Poor thing, he's really been through the ringer with me and my crazy hormones. Good news is that I get to stop them for a week or so. Drug holiday for me!

I hope you each have a wonderful and safe weekend. Thanks for everything.