The Unknown

So tomorrow Neil and I are going to our first visit with the fertility specialist. Whew, that was scary to admit. So you're probably thinking....you're doing what?!

Neil and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year now. This summer we started using those over-the-counter ovulation tests to help speed things along. We must have spent a good $200 dollars on those things! I tested every day for several months and it just seemed like I was never ovulating. When I went for my "yearly" exam, I talked to my gynecologist about it and she confirmed what I feared. I wasn't ovulating. She decided to put me on a medicine that would trigger my "monthly friend" because I wasn't getting those regularly either. On the third day of my "friend's" visit, I started taking Clomid. This medicine is supposed to help in triggering ovulation.

I started on 50 mg and then had to get my blood drawn on day 21 to test my progesterone levels. 50 mg didn't do anything, so the next month it went up to 100 mg with the same result. The third month she upped the meds to 150 mg. Y'all, this med turned me totally hormonal. I would go from laughing like a maniac (seriously. it was pretty creepy) to sobbing. I was SURE that this medicine was doing it's job after those mood swings.

Obviously, it didn't work or we wouldn't be where we are now. I got the call that it didn't work on New Year's Eve while Neil and I were eating at Cantina Loreado in Branson. The doctor no longer felt comfortable increasing my medicine and was referring me to a fertility specialist. I immediately started sobbing when I heard the words "fertility specialist." I'm sure the waiter thought Neil was being really mean to me because he immediately brought over the dessert tray!

So here we are. Tomorrow Neil and I will meet with Dr. Batres at Arkansas Fertility and Gynocology. I'm so nervous. I don't know what to expect. Neil is going with me, so that automatically makes me feel better.

I just want future baby McKnight to know HOW MUCH he/she is wanted. It's hard, knowing that you can't give your husband what he wants the most in the world. I'm struggling with that right now. I feel broken, like something is wrong with me. I'm worried that we might have to try in-vitro and I'll be like Octo-mom. I'm worried that the doctor will tell me that I'll never be able to have my own babies. But then I think about all the babies out there that need a good home. And I'm okay with that if that is what God has in store for us. This is a curvy road that we never thought we would be going down...but I know that it will turn out the way it is supposed to. I'm just not sure where that is right now.

If you wouldn't mind praying for Neil and I tomorrow, we would appreciate it so much. My appointment is at 10 am. We're struggling to stay positive for each other and keep the energy around us positive and hopeful. It hurts right now and so much is unknown, but I know it will get better. Thanks to all!